ASTD-Lincoln Coach's Corner

Truth-telling: Can You Be An Authentic Leader Without It?

Georgia Feiste — Sun, 29 Apr 2012 19:16:57 GMT

I’ve been concentrating on truth-telling over the last couple of days while preparing a workshop on Creating Change with Ease and Grace. The lesson is wrapped around the concept of being truthful about the fears we have that stop us from taking transformational steps in creating the change we want to see in our lives. There is a structure of cost and rewards to being a truth-teller, and there is an impact that the truth has on you and those around you. It could be a heavy topic, and as always it generates a great deal of conversation when you open it up for discussion.

What came up for me as I worked on the lesson, and the exercises for my clients, was the need to always tell myself the truth about any situation. I commonly say “I don’t have time to (you name it). I’m busy with taking care of my family, networking, volunteering, and my coaching business.“ Yes, all of that is true, but the real truth is that I am just not doing (you name it). If I honestly look at my day, I could have found the time, but I rapidly filled my day with activities that may or may not fulfill my values or meet my needs.

There are a couple schools of thought about what truth is. Dr. Maria Nemeth, Academy for Coaching Excellence, teaches that truth is the facts of what has occurred in physical reality. Thomas Leonard, founder of Coach U, on the other hand teaches that truth is sometimes deeper and more profound than the facts that have been presented as truth, and is what is so for you. This may be the difference between two philosophies – the ontological approach vs. the psychological approach. Regardless, both statements hold some merit of accuracy.

The discovery of truth is at times a process. It changes over time as you get more in tune with who you are, and make discoveries about your world and how it works. It’s important to hold your truth lightly, and not let it become a rule that will not allow you to explore a myriad of possibilities with curiosity and delight. In addition, truth is not something to hold out for others to adhere to; they are living their own truth and are on their own path. As you begin to explore these concepts, it may strike you that your truth, and the truth of someone else, may or may not be the real truth.

The more you work to uncover your truth, you will discover that there aren’t that many people interested in the truth. When you are required to work with people who are not, you must be prepared for the consequences of being direct and you must take care when sharing your thoughts. Truth-telling must be intentional and well thought out. It requires you to be sensitive, and choose the time for truth carefully. It does no good to share truth when it will not be received because the person you are sharing with is not ready to hear it.

Truth-telling is one of the most important lessons you can learn, or teach, for that matter. It makes the biggest difference in your life, and if you are lucky enough to have been given children to raise, it is one of the most valuable things you can teach them, just by doing.

Still your mind, and look around you and inside you. There you will find your truth, the most important truth of all. You will not find it in a book or classroom. You will find thoughts and interpretations there which you must sift through in order to find what holds meaning for you. Believe in the truth you can perceive with your five senses – the truth of physical reality – and what you feel in your heart. Once you have recognized the truth, your mind and body will rapidly adjust.

Georgia Feiste, President of Collaborative Transitions Coaching, Inc., located in Lincoln, NE, is a personal growth and leadership coach, writer, and workshop facilitator. She is also a Usui Reiki Master and EFT practitioner. Her passion is success grounded in purpose and passion, standards of integrity and priorities in life. You can also find Georgia on her website, Collaborative Transitions, Twitter, LinkedIn and Facebook.

Leadership Perspective: Caring Communication - What Are You Doing Instead?

Georgia Feiste — Mon, 26 Mar 2012 20:40:24 GMT

In 1983, Ashley Montagu and Floyd Matson stated in their book, The Human Connection, that love is the highest form of communication. They say:

“Human communication, ‘as the saying goes, is a clash of symbols’ it covers a multitude of signs. But it is more than media and messages, information and persuasion; it also meets a deeper need and serves a higher purpose. Whether clear or garbled, tumultuous or silent, deliberate or fatally inadvertent, communication is the ground of meeting and the foundation of community. It is, in short, the essential human connection.”

In many instances, we see distancing, destruction, intimidation, disappointment, degradation, and devaluing not only in our corporate cultures, but in our personal lives as well.

As a leader you may want to think about the following instead:

Tell your colleagues on a regular basis that you care about them. Through your conversation, your actions and your body language. You can’t assume that they know it. Our society has become much too cynical to spend time discovering someone’s authentic self. A character in Philip Roth’s book, The Human Stain, said “By a certain age, one’s mistrust is so exquisitely refined that one is unwilling to believe anybody.” And, if they are embarrassed by it, do it anyway.
Tell your colleagues when they have done good work, and reassure and encourage them when they fail. When you employee does something for you, affirm and appreciate them. Don’t slide into the habit of taking them for granted.
Let your associates know when you need their help. It makes them stronger to know they have the power to assist you. Even though they care about you, admire and respect you, they still can’t read your mind.
Celebrate. Often without any other reason than you care about your coworkers and you enjoy them. Verbalize your happiness.
Respond to your colleagues as if they matter. Make them feel special and valued. It will make up for the times they feel invisible.
Validate your collaborator’s feelings and listen to what they have to say. Their experience of something is important to them, and it is their truth. If you truly see them and hear them as they are in the moment, it is a continued affirmation of their being, as you collaborate on change.
Respect the silence. Let it do the heavy lifting. Alternatives for growth are most often realized in moments of quiet.
Let others know you value your colleagues. Public affirmation makes them feel special and proud, especially when you say it TO them, rather than about them.

This is the last of the series of Caring Communication. I welcome comments whether positive or negative. It is only when we enter into dialogue that we learn.

In Order to Evolve We Must Change

Georgia Feiste — Wed, 29 Feb 2012 01:05:38 GMT

OR: IS IT POSSIBLE TO GROW BEYOND ADOLESCENCE?

In my years in leadership positions, and now as I’m coaching other leaders, one of the statements I hear most often is “Change is hard!” And, unfortunately, as hard as we try, whether from a personal or an organizational perspective, we might successfully move toward change for a period of time, but we invariably slide back to that with which we are familiar. William Perry, Harvard professor, often said as he counseled others, “What does this person really want – and what will they do to keep from getting it?” This statement struck me hard. It made me think about the many times I vowed to change a behavior, whether personal or professional, but somehow I moved back to square one over time. Some situation or some thought process pulled me away from the awareness of what I was aiming for, or completely overwhelmed it.

The beauty of it is that it is possible to grow beyond adolescence! We don’t have to be defined by a stagnated mental development because we can choose to change. Even better, we can create change, not just react to it. We don’t have to “fix” ourselves, because at the very heart of things we are perfect just the way we are! There is nothing to break down, reduce or overcome. What we are aiming for is transformational learning; our own, and in supporting others as they go about their own learning.

Why does this matter? Because as we assume leadership roles in organizations, volunteer positions, and at home, we are confronted with these realities:

A good share of leading involves working with others to effect significant change.
It is very hard to manifest change within a group without changes taking place in individual behaviors and group dynamics.
It is almost impossible to nourish and maintain those behavioral changes without changing the causal meanings that create the behavior.
And, we have an extremely difficult time leading others in transformational learning if we aren’t willing to consider the possibility that we also need to change.

Most people would agree, I believe, that despite the enormous amount of money being spent in our corporate environments today on change management, very little significant change actually takes place. It may be because they don’t go deep enough to look at why each individual may be resisting the very change they are trying to manage!

What Part Does Empathy Play in Leadership?

Georgia Feiste — Mon, 06 Feb 2012 22:17:55 GMT

The Free Online Dictionary states that empathy is “the power of understanding and imaginatively entering into another person’s feelings”.

In Karen Armstrong’s book, the Twelve Steps to a Compassionate Life, she suggests that in order to be empathetic we must understand suffering. She leads us through a series of religious and mythological stories about suffering, grief, and sharing so that we might see how to transform primitive passions into a force for compassion. Karen states that imagination is crucial to the compassionate life, so that we might recognize our pain and aspirations and use it to open our minds to others. That recognition can become an education in compassion.

How many of you know the story of Jason and the Golden Fleece? When Jason casts his wife, Medea, aside she kills not only Jason and his new wife, but their children as well. As she applied reason to her fury, she concluded she could not exact her revenge on Jason without also murdering their children. What this tragedy points out is that if reason is not toned down by compassion and empathy, our reasoning process can lead us into a moral void.

Character-based leadership requires us to apply both sides of the reason coin. Leaders must be able to escape from their self-preoccupation and appreciate the plight of another person, as well as apply reason to the decisions they are called on to make every day.

Some leaders, in my experience, turn a blind eye to other people’s suffering. We see many examples of this type of behavior in our culture, our politics and our government.

Banks loaning money to people who cannot afford to pay it back, and then turning callously away when they foreclose on a home.
Doctors who harden their hearts so that they feel no grief when a patient dies.
Managers who coldly terminate an inefficient employee, or impersonally lay off a loyal employee so they might hire another to do the same job for less money.
Politicians who vote for legislation that ignores what is in the best-interest of the nation as a whole so that they might maintain their party line.
Government that creates dependence rather than independence; does not manage itself well; and, takes away from the masses to give to the few.

Learning empathy is no easy task, and not easily balanced. It requires a leader to take the time to think about another’s pain or unhappiness, and all the private distress they may be feeling that the leader will never know about. It requires them to make decisions that take into account the distress the decisions can cause, ameliorate suffering wherever possible, and do what is appropriate for the greater good.

The Power of Curiosity in Leadership

Georgia Feiste — Thu, 05 Jan 2012 20:58:55 GMT

Our family has always been very curious, especially in regard to exploring the unknown – but perhaps that is the definition of curiosity, isn’t it? So, as I started preparing the weekly Occupy Life Step on Curiosity, I couldn't resist sharing my experiences over the last week in this blog.

I am very lucky to have a young granddaughter who is explicitly teaching me about exploring the unknown and taking in enormous amounts of information on a daily basis. The delight and intelligence in her eyes, her behavior and her actions is amazing to me. As we get older, we sometimes loose this drive to learn, to grow, and to refine who we are. And, I believe that is when we begin to disengage from our world. And, with that, often comes an unwillingness to look inside ourselves to see what we have become, and who the people around us really are.

This last week, I was given a couple of opportunities to observe my husband, Karl, in interactions with people most of us would have walked away from. I am briefly sharing these interactions with you so you get a flavor of the power of curiosity.

The first interaction was with a young man at a branch of our regional community college. His conversation was not well structured, and he was having difficulty tracking through the dialogue he started, but was having trouble completing. Karl continued speaking with him for quite a while, even when I had to step away to facilitate my workshop. The kindness on his face and the empathy he was giving to this young man was remarkable. You could see it in his eyes, in the interest he was showing, and the way he was holding his body. This was not the husband I was familiar with, and we have been married for almost 40 years. When I asked him about it, because I was curious, he replied “I wanted to know who he was, and what he was doing at the community college. He was trying to share something with me.”
The second interaction was with a gentleman we met briefly as we walked around the neighborhood close to our church on Sunday, handing out flyers to invite people to our Holiday Song Fest. The man who came to one of the doors was almost rabid in his defiance of fundamentalist Christianity. He was rattling off dates, historical data, connections to paganism, and his general distaste of religion in general. My husband stood and talked with him for several minutes (really, just listened) before he politely excused himself. As he joined me, and another church member in continuing our rounds, he said “what an intelligent man – he has a great deal of knowledge of the history of Christianity, and it is obviously important for him to share it. He must have been hurt in some way by his experience with Christianity.” Ah….

The power of curiosity in these interactions asked my husband to look for connections and explanations where others would have walked away, dismissing both individuals as not worth their time or effort. How does this apply to leadership? Curiosity is the first phase in developing Transformative Leadership, and is the internal behavior we come back to as we move forward in our growth and development as leaders :

Curiosity helps you gather masses of information, discern reality, and make better decisions. When you look inward, you gather information about yourself if you are willing to look. You learn how you are affecting others by the way they interact with you. And, when you are willing to listen and ask questions, you learn about other people.
Curiosity helps you see the bigger picture. When you are looking at all sides of an issue, you become less affected by one person’s perception (including yours), and you are more able to make decisions for the greater good, and become less driven by what you want, and less affected and frustrated by what you don’t want.
Curiosity encourages you to be more fully engaged in your world, and in others. Curiosity, combined with empathy, lets the people you are leading know that you care what they think, and you can relate to them right where they are.
Curiosity invites you to be willing to face what you find with courage – because sometimes the rock you turn over covers some really gross and smelly stuff. This is when you need to step back and observe it from a distance, and do a reality check. It requires you to not take things personally, but to look at the situation as a part of the bigger picture, and determine what needs to happen next.
Curiosity asks that once you have looked and found, that you be willing to look again…. Deeper, and yet again….Wider. Engage an attitude of wonder and fearlessness. And, take action.

Curiosity is asking me to be willing to look deeper and wider at my husband in his leadership role as he steps fully into retirement, and to encourage this kind and generous aspect of who he is. It is inviting me to look at every person I meet with curiosity – to find that something they are trying to tell me by being who they are.

What does the power of curiosity invite you to do in your role as a leader? Please share, I would love to hear from you!

Eliminate the Destructive Power of "Should"

Georgia Feiste — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 20:11:17 GMT

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard or used the word “should” lately. It feels as if the world is being run based on “should” and “have to,” and there is little or no compassion left in our interactions with ourself or with others. Every time I hear the word, I envision the person hearing it feeling shame or guilt at something they have not yet done, feel they have to do, or something they “should” have done better. What are we doing to each other – worse, what are we doing to ourselves? Our culture has taught us to utilize this form of communication to get people to do things they might not want to do. It is a form of manipulation and tyranny, and the energy that is created in this is joyless and draining.

In his book Non-Violent Communication, Marshall Rosenberg, PhD, says “If the way we evaluate ourselves leads us to feel shame, and we consequently change our behavior, we are allowing our growing and learning to be guided by self-hatred.” This statement is hung on my office wall as a reminder to me to do those things that give me joy, because I want to do them, and that I have choices. It states that any change I make in my actions or communications can come about out of respect and compassion for myself and for others. It can happen without hatred, self or otherwise, shame or guilt.

Maria Nemeth, PhD, author of Managing Life’s Energies, suggests that all goals should be play, creating joy based on values and your intentions in life. Marshall Rosenberg shares that “an important form of self-compassion is to make choices motivated purely by our desire to contribute to life rather than out of fear, guilt, shame, duty, or obligation.” When you look at goals, actions and behavior in this fashion, it changes the soul energy you hold as you go about any activity. And, when you change the soul energy, you are motivated even when the work is hard, or takes time you feel you don’t have, because you have a choice.

An important form of self-compassion is to make choices motivated purely by our desire to contribute to life.

So, next time you are faced with something you are manipulating yourself into doing by saying you “should” or “have to,” complete this sentence: “I choose to ____________(whatever it is you are doing) because I want __________________ (what you need and value, your purpose, or what you are seeking from others).” This can be a difficult concept to understand, so some examples should help.

Janie has smoked off and on for 16 years. She knows all the reasons why smoking is not healthy, and I hear her constantly saying “I know I should quit smoking.” But the “should” in that statement makes her feel guilty and ashamed of her smoking, and she digs her heels in every time she says it. But, if she were to say “I choose to quit smoking because I want to not get bronchitis and pneumonia this winter so I feel well enough to visit my parents in January,” she may find herself resisting less. What she wants is based on her intention to be physically vital and a loving family member. These are powerful motivators and by recognizing she has a choice, she begins to relax her resistance to the “should” in her previous thought process.

Sam, in his fifties, has been pursuing a career he disliked in Senior Management. He has been miserable for a very long time. I asked him to complete this sentence and he made a major discovery. He said “I choose to work in management at company XYZ because I want my spouse and family to know that they can expect to live the life, now and in the future, that the money I earn provides them, and they will love me because I am taking care of them.” This realization saddened Sam tremendously. He knows that he has been “shoulding” on himself, and making choices based on a reward coming from outside himself in the form of money and approval/love rather than seeking to satisfy an internal need. While it is a great motivator to be a loving family member and to make enough money to take care of your family, for Sam to continue to do so at his own expense and unhappiness because he thinks they will love him is debilitating. In essence, he is telling himself that this is the only reason they love him – and is a form of self-hatred because he sees who he is as unworthy of their love.

So, going back to the concept of creating goals that are play and contribute to life, what do you envision Janie's or Sam’s goals to be? Janie’s play goal is to visit her parents in January. Sam’s play goal is to find work that fulfills his interests and passions and utilizes his strengths and gifts – at the same time spending more time with his family so they can get to know him for who he is and begin enjoying each other.

What are you doing out of fear, guilt, shame, or obligation?

Just for today, I will take action out of a desire to contribute to life; I choose to play.